Divorce Advice for Men

Divorce is a profoundly transformative process that can change anyone, regardless of gender. However, it’s crucial to recognize that men often face unique challenges during divorce, from emotional struggles to financial complexities and child custody concerns. At The Law Office of Richard Shum, we understand that every divorce is unique, and we are here to provide skilled legal support tailored to your specific needs.

If you’re a man going through a divorce in Manhattan, know that you don’t have to face this journey alone. Our experienced Manhattan divorce lawyers at The Law Office of Richard Shum can assist you in navigating the complexities of divorce. We can help provide information to protect your interests such as what can be used against you in a divorce and avoid potential pitfalls while taking into consideration fairness and equity for all parties involved. Our goal is to provide the legal guidance, support, and representation needed to achieve a smooth transition into the next chapter of your life. 

Reach out to us today by calling (646) 259-3416 or filling out our online form for a confidential consultation, and let us be your trusted advocate in this process. Together, we can work towards a resolution that prioritizes your rights, the well-being of your children, and your overall peace of mind.

Unique Challenges of Men Going Through a Divorce

Men undergoing divorce often encounter unique challenges that can be influenced by societal gender biases. While it’s essential to note that every divorce is unique, and not all men will experience the same difficulties, there are some common challenges that divorced men may face, along with the potential effects of gender bias:

• Emotional Stigma: Men may feel societal pressure to hide or downplay their emotions during divorce. Gender biases can discourage men from seeking emotional support, which may lead to increased stress and mental health challenges.
• Child Custody Battles: Gender biases may perpetuate the assumption that women are inherently better caregivers. As a result, men may face difficulties in securing equal custody or visitation rights, even when they are well-equipped to provide loving and stable homes for their children.
• Financial Obligations: Some men may struggle with the perception that they are primarily responsible for financial support, including alimony and child support. Gender biases can contribute to unfair expectations or judgments regarding their financial contributions.
• Support Networks: Men may have fewer emotional support networks compared to women, as they may be less likely to share their feelings or seek help from friends and family. Gender biases that discourage men from seeking support can exacerbate feelings of isolation.
• Legal Rights: In some cases, men may perceive that the legal system is biased against them, particularly in matters of child custody and spousal support. This perception can lead to distrust of the legal process.

These challenges are not inherent to men but can be influenced by societal norms and biases. Divorce should be approached with a focus on fairness and equity for all parties, irrespective of gender. Seeking legal advice from experienced divorce attorneys who understand these challenges can help men navigate the process effectively and ensure that their rights and interests are protected. Additionally, challenging gender biases and promoting open dialogue about men’s experiences during divorce can contribute to a more equitable and compassionate divorce process for everyone involved.

Challenges Faced by Men in Divorce	Potential Effects of Gender Bias
Emotional Stigma	Men may feel societal pressure to hide or downplay their emotions during divorce. This can lead to increased stress and mental health challenges.
Child Custody Battles	Gender biases may perpetuate the assumption that women are inherently better caregivers. Men may face difficulties in securing equal custody or visitation rights.
Financial Obligations	Some men may struggle with the perception that they are primarily responsible for financial support, including alimony and child support. This can lead to unfair expectations or judgments.
Support Networks	Men may have fewer emotional support networks compared to women, as they may be less likely to share their feelings or seek help from friends and family. Gender biases can exacerbate feelings of isolation.
Legal Rights	In some cases, men may perceive that the legal system is biased against them, particularly in matters of child custody and spousal support. This perception can lead to distrust of the legal process.

Preparing for Divorce

Getting ready for divorce involves several critical steps. Before initiating divorce proceedings in Manhattan, it’s crucial to have a solid understanding of the divorce laws specific to the area. New York divorce laws can be complex, and knowing the legal framework will help you navigate the process more effectively. Some key points to consider include:

• Residency Requirements: Familiarize yourself with the residency requirements for filing for divorce in New York. Generally, you or your spouse must have lived in the state for a certain period, typically one year, to file.
• Grounds for Divorce: New York allows both no-fault and fault-based divorce. Understand the different grounds for divorce, including irretrievable breakdown of the marriage (no-fault) and fault-based grounds like cruelty or abandonment.

In addition, New York follows the principle of equitable distribution, which means marital property is divided fairly, though not necessarily equally. Understand how property division works and what assets may be considered marital or separate property.

Familiarize Yourself with Your Rights and Responsibilities

Understanding your rights and responsibilities during divorce is essential. This includes knowing your entitlements, obligations, and potential consequences. Key aspects to consider include being aware of your rights and responsibilities regarding child custody, knowing your potential financial obligations, including child support and alimony (spousal support), and familiarizing yourself with the factors that impact the determination of support payments. 

Tackling these factors with a clear mindset becomes easier when you have a fair inkling of what they entail. Having at least a background of these points can help you be more aware of your options. Consulting a skilled attorney can also assist you in becoming more knowledgeable about your rights and responsibilities as a party in a divorce.

Gather Financial Documentation

To prepare for divorce proceedings, it’s essential to gather all relevant financial records and documents. This includes:

• Income Documentation: Collect records of your and your spouse’s income, including pay stubs, tax returns, and W-2 forms.
• Bank and Investment Statements: Obtain statements from bank accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, and any other financial assets.
• Real Estate Documents: Gather documents related to real estate, such as deeds, mortgage statements, and property appraisals.
• Debt Records: Compile information about outstanding debts, including credit card statements, loans, and mortgages.

Create a comprehensive inventory of all marital assets and debts. This inventory should include detailed information about each asset’s value, location, and any associated debts. Having a clear picture of your financial situation will be invaluable during property division negotiations and legal proceedings.

Find a Reputable Manhattan Divorce Lawyer

Selecting the right divorce attorney is a critical step in preparing for divorce. Consider the following when searching for a reputable Manhattan divorce lawyer:

• Experience: Look for an attorney with substantial experience in divorce and family law cases, particularly in Manhattan.
• Specialization: Choose an attorney who specializes in divorce and family law, as they will have a deep understanding of divorce-related issues.
• Reputation: Research and read reviews to find an attorney with a positive reputation and a track record of success.
• Initial Consultation: Schedule an initial consultation to discuss your case and gauge whether the attorney is a good fit for your needs.

Before proceeding with divorce, it is also crucial to establish clear goals and priorities. Consider what matters most to you, such as:

• Child Custody: Determine your preferred custody arrangements and consider the best interests of your children.
• Property Division: Define your objectives for property and asset division, including what assets are most important to you.
• Financial Matters: Decide how you want to approach financial matters like spousal support and child support.

Having well-defined goals will help you and your attorney work toward achieving the best possible outcome in your divorce proceedings. Consider discussing your goals with your attorney to develop a strategic plan for your case.

Protecting Your Interests

During a divorce, it’s essential to protect your interests in various aspects of the process. Here are key steps to safeguard your rights and financial well-being:

Safeguarding Your Finances

One of the first financial steps you should take when considering divorce is to open a separate bank account in your name only. This account will serve as a safe place for your income and allow you to maintain control over your finances.

The separate account helps ensure that your income is not mingled with your spouse’s funds, which can be important when it comes to determining support payments and dividing assets. Having your own account also provides you with financial independence and ensures you have access to funds to cover your immediate needs.

Monitor Joint Financial Accounts and Credit

Continuing to monitor joint financial accounts and your credit is essential throughout the divorce process. Keep a close eye on joint bank accounts, credit card statements, and any shared financial responsibilities. Be vigilant for any unusual or unauthorized transactions.

If you and your spouse share a credit card, it may also be crucial to obtain and review your credit report regularly to ensure there are no unexpected changes or inaccuracies that could affect your credit score. By staying informed and proactive, you can avoid being caught unawares by financial challenges and protect your interests during the divorce.

Be Aware of the Different Types of Custody Arrangements

In New York, several custody arrangements can be considered during divorce proceedings. Understanding these arrangements is crucial:

• Sole Custody: In this arrangement, one parent has sole physical and legal custody of the child, while the other parent may have visitation rights.
• Joint Custody: Joint custody typically involves shared legal custody, where both parents make decisions about the child’s upbringing, even if physical custody is not equal.
• Shared Custody: Shared custody arrangements aim to provide the child with substantial time with both parents, often on an equal or near-equal basis.

It is beneficial to consider the type of custody arrangement that best fits your family’s circumstances and causes the least negative impact on your children. Considering this aspect of your divorce allows you to plan ahead.

In all child custody matters, the best interests of the children are the primary consideration. Factors considered include the child’s relationship with each parent, their emotional and physical well-being, and their stability in school and community. Focus on what is best for your children and work towards arrangements that support their needs, even if it means compromising on certain issues.

Navigating Spousal Support

New York has specific laws regarding spousal support (alimony). It’s crucial to understand these laws, including factors that may influence the amount and duration of alimony payments. Know the criteria for spousal support eligibility, including income disparities and financial needs.

It would also help to be aware of how alimony payments are calculated, as this can vary based on your unique circumstances.

Depending on your financial situation, you may be required to pay alimony to your spouse. Being prepared means anticipating the financial impact alimony payments on your post-divorce budget can have and seeking legal advice to fully understand your obligations and explore potential negotiation strategies.

Managing Emotional Well-being

Divorce can be emotionally challenging, so it’s essential to seek support from friends and family who can provide a listening ear and emotional encouragement during this time. Don’t hesitate to share your feelings and concerns with trusted individuals who can offer empathy and understanding.

If you find that the emotional toll of divorce is overwhelming, consider seeking professional therapy or counseling services. Therapy can provide you with coping strategies and emotional tools to navigate this difficult period.

Explore options for individual or family therapy to address emotional and relationship challenges arising from divorce. Seeking counseling may also be beneficial for your children if they are struggling to cope with the divorce. Remember, their emotional well-being is paramount.

By prioritizing your emotional well-being and seeking support when necessary, you can better navigate the emotional aspects of divorce and protect your overall interests during this challenging time.

During the Divorce Process

The divorce process can be emotionally challenging and legally complex. To navigate it effectively, consider the following strategies and steps:

Maintain Open and Respectful Communication with Your Spouse

Effective communication with your spouse is key during divorce proceedings. Keep conversations respectful and civil, focusing on the issues at hand rather than personal attacks. When possible, work together to find mutually agreeable solutions, especially in matters related to property division, child custody, and support.

Use Mediation or Negotiation When Possible

In many cases, using mediation or negotiation to settle matters of child custody and support, alimony, and property division can be more amicable and cost-effective alternatives to litigation. Mediation and negotiation aim to minimize conflicts and encourage compromise, which can lead to more satisfactory outcomes. These methods can often lead to quicker resolutions compared to court litigation. Lastly, you have more control over the outcome of your divorce when you actively participate in mediation or negotiation.

Listen to Your Attorney’s Guidance

Your divorce attorney is your advocate and legal expert. It’s essential to heed their advice and guidance throughout the process. Trust in your attorney’s knowledge of New York divorce laws and procedures. Make sure to provide your attorney with all necessary documents and information to support your case as this can help them make a comprehensive strategy that benefits your situation. Working closely with your attorney and being hands-on about the divorce proecss can help you make informed decisions regarding your divorce.

Managing Stress and Self-Care

Divorce can be a highly stressful experience. Implement self-care strategies to manage stress effectively. Studies have shown that going through a divorce often go through identity crises and turn to self-medicating with alcohol and drugs as a way to cope. Prioritize proper nutrition, regular exercise, and sufficient sleep to support your physical and emotional well-being.

It is also common for men in high-stress situations to develop serious physical and mental health problems such as depression, high blood pressure, weight fluctuations, insomnia, fatigue, and anxiety. Sticking to a daily routine as much as possible to provide stability and structure during a period of change. Explore ways to reduce stress and, if you find yourself struggling to cope, consider seeking the assistance of a therapist or counselor to address emotional and mental health challenges.

By implementing effective communication, following legal advice, prioritizing your children’s well-being, and practicing self-care, you can navigate the divorce process in accordance with New York divorce laws while minimizing the emotional and legal challenges that may arise.

Post-Divorce Transition

After the divorce is finalized, it’s time to focus on moving forward and building a new chapter in your life. Here are important considerations during the post-divorce transition:

Embrace the Opportunity for a Fresh Start

While divorce can be challenging, it also offers an opportunity for a fresh start and personal growth. Approach your new life as a chance for personal development and new experiences. Take the time to rediscover yourself, your interests, and your passions outside of the marriage.

Set New Goals and Aspirations for Yourself

As you transition into a new phase of your life, consider setting meaningful goals and aspirations. Establish achievable short-term goals that you can work towards immediately, such as improving your health or acquiring new skills. Think about your long-term aspirations, including career ambitions and personal achievements. Last but not least, align your financial goals with your new financial situation, ensuring that you’re on track for financial stability and success.

Reevaluate Your Financial Situation

Post-divorce, it’s essential to reassess your financial circumstances. For couples accustomed to having two incomes in their household, transitioning to only having a single income, especially with children, may be difficult.

Create a detailed budget that reflects your current income and expenses. This will help you understand your financial position and identify areas where adjustments may be necessary. Most importantly, if you have acquired debt during the divorce process, develop a strategy for managing and reducing it over time.

Create a Budget and Savings Plan

A well-planned budget and savings strategy can provide financial security. Consider developing a realistic budget that includes necessary expenses, savings, and discretionary spending. Stick to this budget to ensure financial stability. It can also be beneficial to build an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses and emergencies, providing peace of mind.

Reevaluate your retirement savings plan to ensure you’re on track to meet your long-term financial goals. 

Maintain a Positive Co-Parenting Relationship

Successful co-parenting is crucial for the well-being of your children. Continue to communicate openly and respectfully with your co-parent about matters related to your children. Being consistent in parenting styles and routines between households allows you to foster stability for your children. Address any conflicts or disagreements amicably and consider seeking mediation if necessary.

Keep the Best Interests of Your Children in Mind

Make decisions and choices that focus on what is best for your children’s physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. Be willing to adjust custody and visitation arrangements as your children’s needs and preferences change over time.

Fulfill Your Legal Obligations

If your divorce decree includes obligations such as alimony or child support, it’s essential to fulfill them as required by law. Make payments on time and in the specified manner outlined in the divorce decree. Maintain open communication with your co-parent regarding financial matters and payments.

Know the Process for Seeking Modifications

Knowing the process for seeking modifications to court orders related to child custody, support, and alimony is essential for divorced men to adapt to changing circumstances. It allows them to protect their financial well-being, ensure the best interests of their children, and maintain legal compliance. Understanding this process provides peace of mind and ensures that court orders remain fair and equitable over time, allowing divorced men to navigate post-divorce life effectively.

Understanding your legal obligations and the process for seeking modifications if circumstances change will help you navigate post-divorce life while adhering to New York divorce laws and ensuring the best interests of your children are maintained.

Working with a Skilled Manhattan Divorce Lawyer From The Law Office of Richard Roman Shum

In divorce, men, like women, face a range of challenges, from emotional stress to complex legal matters. At The Law Office of Richard Shum, we believe in providing equal support and guidance to all individuals going through this difficult process. Our skilled Manhattan divorce lawyers are here to help you navigate the unique impact of divorce.

If you’re a man going through a divorce in Manhattan, remember that you have the right to compassionate and effective legal representation. Our dedicated team at The Law Office of Richard Shum is ready to assist you in every aspect of your divorce, from child custody matters to financial negotiations. We understand the challenges you may be facing, and our goal is to provide you with the support and expertise you need to achieve a fair resolution. Contact us today by calling (646) 259-3416, and let us help you transition smoothly into the next chapter of your life. Together, we can work towards a divorce process that upholds your rights, prioritizes your well-being, and ensures a just outcome for all parties involved.

from Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, Esq. https://www.romanshum.com/blog/divorce-advice-for-men/

Who is the Plaintiff in a Divorce?

Navigating the complex waters of divorce proceedings can often feel overwhelming, especially when faced with legal jargon that may seem foreign. One such term, “plaintiff,” carries significant weight in divorce proceedings. But who exactly is the plaintiff in a divorce? In the simplest terms, the plaintiff refers to the spouse who initiates the divorce process or files the divorce papers. However, this role entails more than just setting the ball rolling; it involves responsibilities and steps that can influence the entire course of the divorce.

Understanding the role and responsibilities of the plaintiff is crucial to managing divorce proceedings effectively. If you’re considering filing for divorce in New York and would like to understand more about the role of the plaintiff, you should consult with an experienced divorce lawyer. At the Law Office Of Richard Roman Shum, our team of Manhattan divorce lawyers may be able to provide guidance tailored to your unique situation, ensuring you’re well-equipped to navigate the divorce process and make informed decisions. Contact us today at (646) 259-3416 to discuss your case and learn more about your rights and responsibilities as a potential plaintiff in a divorce.

Legal Definition of the Plaintiff in New York Divorce

When a marriage dissolves and partners part ways, typically, one spouse takes the lead in instigating the divorce proceedings. This spouse is referred to as the plaintiff in the divorce context, given their role in filing the divorce papers and initially presenting the case in court. Because of their initiating role, they are sometimes also called the “petitioner”. Conversely, the other spouse, who receives the divorce papers from the plaintiff, is designated as the defendant. They are required to sign these papers, leading to their alternate label as the “respondent”.

Divorce Eligibility and Requirements

Being the plaintiff in a divorce case isn’t merely about deciding to end the marriage. There are specific legal requirements that must be met.

Residency Requirements for the Plaintiff

One of the primary eligibility criteria to file for divorce in New York is residency. The plaintiff must meet certain residency requirements. According to the New York Domestic Relations Law, at least one of the following conditions must be met:

• The couple was married in New York, and either spouse has been a resident of the state for a continuous period of one year prior to filing.
• The couple lived as husband and wife in New York, and either spouse has been a resident of the state for a continuous period of one year prior to filing.
• The grounds for divorce occurred in New York, and either spouse has been a resident of the state for a continuous period of one year prior to filing.
• The grounds for divorce occurred in New York, and both spouses are residents of the state at the time of filing.
• Either spouse has been a resident of the state for a continuous period of two years prior to filing.

If any of these conditions are met, the plaintiff is eligible to file for divorce in New York.

Grounds for Divorce in New York

Grounds for divorce are the legally recognized reasons for which a divorce may be granted. In New York, the plaintiff may file for divorce under fault or no-fault grounds.

No-fault divorce, which became legal in New York in 2010, allows a spouse to petition for divorce if the marriage has been irretrievably broken for at least six months. This ground is typically used when both spouses agree to end the marriage and can be the least confrontational option.

Fault grounds, on the other hand, require the plaintiff to prove specific wrongdoing by the other spouse. These can include:

• Cruel and inhuman treatment
• Abandonment for a continuous period of one year or more
• Imprisonment for more than three years subsequent to the marriage
• Adultery
• Living apart pursuant to a decree or judgment of separation for a period of one or more years

Choosing the grounds for divorce is a critical decision as it can influence the course of the divorce proceedings and potentially affect the outcome on matters such as custody, support, and property division.

Process of Filing for Divorce

The process of filing for divorce as the plaintiff begins with the preparation of the necessary legal documents. These typically include the Summons with Notice or the Summons and Complaint.

• Summons with Notice: This document provides the defendant with general notice that a divorce action has been initiated. It does not contain detailed information about the plaintiff’s claims or demands but does state the grounds for divorce and any ancillary relief sought (e.g., child custody, spousal support, etc.)
• Summons and Complaint: This document is more detailed than the Summons with Notice. It includes specific allegations and the relief sought by the plaintiff, providing the defendant with a full understanding of the claims brought against them.

These documents must be carefully prepared, ensuring that all necessary information is included and presented accurately. Failure to do so can result in unnecessary delays or legal complications down the line.

Filing the Documents with the Court

Once the documents have been prepared, they need to be filed with the county clerk in the plaintiff’s county of residence. This process involves submitting the original documents along with any required copies and paying the requisite filing fees.

Upon filing, the county clerk provides the plaintiff with an index number. This number is unique to the case and is used to track its progress through the court system. It’s important for the plaintiff to keep a record of this number and to include it on all subsequent documents related to the case.

Serving the Divorce Papers

After the documents have been filed and the index number obtained, the next step is to serve the divorce papers on the defendant. This process, known as service of process, is critical to ensuring that the defendant is formally notified of the divorce proceedings and given an opportunity to respond.

In New York, the divorce papers must be served by someone who is not a party to the case and is at least 18 years old. This could be a professional process server, sheriff, or even a friend or relative. The service must be done personally, meaning that the papers are handed directly to the defendant.

There are strict rules governing service of process, including timeframes within which the service must be completed and the manner in which proof of service is provided to the court. Failure to properly serve the divorce papers can result in the dismissal of the case.

Waiting for the Defendant’s Response

Once the defendant has been served, they have a specific period (usually 20 or 30 days, depending on the method of service) to respond to the divorce papers. This response may involve agreeing to the divorce, contesting it, or submitting a counterclaim.

During this period, the plaintiff must wait for the defendant’s response before proceeding further with the divorce. If the defendant does not respond within the specified timeframe, the plaintiff may be able to move forward with the divorce on a default basis, meaning that the divorce may be granted without the defendant’s participation.

Filing for divorce as the plaintiff involves several key steps: preparing the necessary documents, filing them with the court, serving them on the defendant, and waiting for the defendant’s response. Each of these steps is crucial to the progression of the divorce proceedings and requires careful attention to detail and an understanding of the relevant legal rules and procedures.

Responsibilities During the Divorce Proceedings

The role of the plaintiff in a divorce case is not just limited to initiating the process. As the plaintiff, you have several responsibilities throughout the divorce proceedings that can profoundly impact the outcome of the case. These responsibilities span across legal and financial obligations, cooperating with the court, maintaining open and honest communication with your attorney, and attending court hearings.

Legal and Financial Obligations

As the plaintiff, you have an array of legal and financial obligations to meet. You’re required to provide accurate and complete information about your finances, including income, assets, debts, and expenses. This information forms the basis for various decisions, including the division of property, child support, and alimony. Misrepresentation or omission of financial details can lead to penalties and may adversely affect your case.

You’re also legally obligated to follow court orders, such as temporary custody orders or restraining orders, regardless of your personal feelings or disagreements. Failure to abide by these orders can result in legal consequences and damage your standing in the court’s eyes.

Cooperation with the Court

Cooperating with the court is another crucial responsibility. This involves complying with all court rules and protocols, providing requested documents in a timely manner, and responding promptly to court correspondence.

You may also be required to participate in mandatory mediation or counseling sessions as ordered by the court. These sessions aim to facilitate amicable resolution on contentious issues such as child custody or property division. Your willingness to cooperate in these sessions demonstrates to the court your commitment to the process and can work in your favor.

Attorney Communication

Maintaining transparent and regular communication with your attorney is crucial. As the plaintiff, it is your responsibility to keep your attorney informed about all relevant facts and developments. This includes changes in your financial situation, personal life, or any other significant events that could impact your case.

Being open and honest with your attorney allows them to represent you effectively and strategize appropriately. Remember, your attorney is bound by attorney-client privilege, which means they cannot disclose your confidential information without your consent.

Additionally, it’s important to be responsive to your attorney’s requests for information and to follow their advice. They have the legal expertise to guide you through the process and their advice is typically based on what is in your best interest.

Attending Court Hearings

Finally, attending all court hearings and meetings is a critical responsibility. Your presence is often required at various stages of the divorce process, such as temporary hearings, pre-trial conferences, mediation sessions, and the final trial.

Your attendance not only demonstrates your commitment to the process but also gives you the chance to have your voice heard. Missing these hearings can delay the proceedings, and repeated absences can potentially lead the court to make decisions in your absence.

Responsibilities During Divorce Proceedings	Description
Legal and Financial Obligations	Provide accurate financial information (income, assets, debts, expenses) for decisions on property division, child support, and alimony. Follow court orders, including temporary custody or restraining orders.
Cooperation with the Court	Comply with court rules and protocols. Provide requested documents promptly. Respond to court correspondence. Participate in mediation or counseling sessions as ordered.
Attorney Communication	Maintain open and honest communication with your attorney. Keep them informed about relevant facts and developments. Be responsive to their requests for information and follow their advice.
Attending Court Hearings	Attend all required court hearings and meetings, including temporary hearings, pre-trial conferences, mediation sessions, and the final trial.

Challenges and Considerations for the Plaintiff

Filing for divorce and navigating the subsequent proceedings can be fraught with challenges, both emotionally and legally. As the plaintiff, you must be prepared to handle these challenges and make critical decisions that can greatly impact your future.

Dealing with Contested Divorce

When the defendant contests the divorce, the proceedings can become more complex and potentially contentious. This may involve disputes over the grounds for divorce, disagreements over child custody or support, or conflicts over the division of marital property. As the plaintiff, you may need to gather evidence to support your case, work closely with your attorney to develop a legal strategy, and potentially prepare for a trial.

Child Custody and Support

If you and your spouse have children, matters of child custody and support can be among the most challenging aspects of the divorce process. As the plaintiff, you will need to consider the best interests of your children when making decisions about custody and visitation. You may also need to navigate the complexities of child support, which involves determining a fair and equitable amount of support based on the child’s needs and the parents’ financial resources.

Division of Assets and Debts

One of the key issues in many divorces is the division of marital assets and debts. This process can be complex, particularly in cases where the couple has significant assets or debts, or where there is a dispute about what constitutes marital property. As the plaintiff, you will need to provide a complete and accurate accounting of your assets and debts, and be prepared for negotiation or potentially litigation over these matters.

Spousal Support (Alimony)

Depending on the circumstances of your divorce, you may need to consider the issue of spousal support, also known as alimony. If you are seeking support, you will need to provide evidence of your financial needs and your spouse’s ability to pay. If your spouse is seeking support, you may need to provide information about your income and assets, and potentially challenge the amount of support requested.

Advantages and Disadvantages of Being the Plaintiff

When initiating a divorce, one must carefully consider the potential advantages and disadvantages. As the plaintiff, you set the course of the divorce but also shoulder certain responsibilities and challenges. Understanding these pros and cons can help you make informed decisions about your divorce proceedings.

Advantages of Initiating the Divorce

• Control Over Timing: As the plaintiff, you control the timing of the divorce filing. This allows you to prepare both emotionally and financially before the proceedings begin.
• Choice of Jurisdiction: If you and your spouse live in different jurisdictions, filing first may allow you to choose the jurisdiction, which can impact various aspects of the divorce, such as property division and child custody.
• Preparation Advantage: Filing first gives you the opportunity to gather all necessary financial documents, secure legal representation, and prepare your case thoroughly before your spouse has a chance to respond.
• Emotional Readiness: Initiating the divorce can provide a sense of control and readiness, which can be beneficial from an emotional standpoint.

Drawbacks to Being the Plaintiff

• Filing Costs: As the plaintiff, you’re responsible for the filing fees associated with initiating the divorce proceedings.
• Potential for Increased Conflict: If your spouse is unaware or not ready for the divorce, your filing could increase tension and conflict, which may make the proceedings more challenging.
• Disclosure of Financial Information: You’ll be required to disclose all your financial information when you file, which might give your spouse a chance to hide assets if they are so inclined.
• Emotional Consequences: Initiating the divorce can sometimes lead to feelings of guilt or increased emotional distress.

While being the plaintiff in a divorce case comes with certain advantages, it also has potential drawbacks. The decision to become the plaintiff should be based on your specific circumstances, and it’s advisable to consult with a legal professional before proceeding. Understanding the advantages and disadvantages can help you navigate the divorce proceedings more effectively and make choices that are in your best interest.

Getting the Legal Help of an Experienced New York Divorce Lawyer

In the field of divorce law, having a knowledgeable Manhattan divorce lawyer at your side can be beneficial. Whether you are the plaintiff or the defendant, understanding the specifics of your case, the legal jargon, and the demands of the court can be a complicated task. A competent divorce lawyer can break down these complexities, aiding you in making informed decisions that safeguard your interests.

Going through a divorce necessitates support that goes beyond legal counsel. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our team of experienced Manhattan divorce lawyers may be able to provide this support, working towards the most advantageous outcome for you. There is no requirement to tackle this situation alone. Our team can help you traverse this challenging path with assurance and tranquility. Contact us today at (646) 259-3416 to schedule a consultation.

from Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, Esq. https://www.romanshum.com/blog/who-is-the-plaintiff-in-a-divorce-in-new-york/

New York Child Support: What Every Divorcing Parent Needs to Know

As parents, it is our duty to ensure that our children’s fundamental needs are met, including necessities such as food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, and education. When parents decide to end their marriage, child support becomes a crucial aspect in maintaining the well-being of the children involved. The non-custodial parent is responsible for contributing to the child’s welfare through financial assistance, ensuring that their needs continue to be met despite the separation.

In New York, child support laws are designed to protect the best interests of the child and ensure they receive the proper care and support they deserve. Navigating these laws and regulations can be challenging, which is why it is crucial to seek the guidance of a qualified and experienced Manhattan child support lawyer.

Don’t leave your child’s future to chance – contact the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum today at (646) 259-3416 for a consultation to ensure your child’s needs are protected during and after your divorce.

The CSSA Formula

New York’s Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) uses a formula to calculate each parent’s financial obligation to support the children. It applies to combined income above the poverty line and up to $143,000. Using the formula, each parent’s share of the combined gross household income is assigned a percentage, and that percentage is used to determine who pays how much. The calculation takes into account employment income, government benefits such as disability, rental income, and even cash gifts and lottery winnings.

The law states that a basic child support amount be set at a fixed percentage of combined parental income, with the exact percentage depending on the number of children requiring support. For one child, the amount is 17%. Other percentages are:

• 25% for two children
• 29% for three children
• 31% for four children
• At least 35% for five or more children

For higher-income parents who exceed the $143,000 threshold, the court may use the percentages established by the CSSA, which usually results in a larger percentage of income being ordered in child support. This is based on the assumption of higher discretionary income. Alternatively, the court may consider factors like the parent’s financial means and additional needs of the child to arrive at a support order it deems fair.

If I Make $1,000 A Week How Much Child Support Do I Pay?

Child support in New York is computed through a structured formula. Generally, parents are obliged to make support payments determined by their income. This income encompasses various sources, including but not limited to pensions, fellowships, annuities, workers’ compensation benefits, unemployment, Social Security, retirement benefits, and additional income streams.

Certain deductions can be made from this income, such as taxes, other child support obligations, expenses associated with operating a business, alimony commitments, or public assistance. There could be other applicable deductions depending on your circumstances.

Once the income is established, it is multiplied by a specified percentage. The percentage fluctuates depending on the number of children the obligated parent must provide for. It is important to note that the level of support may differ from the recommended guideline amount, potentially higher or lower. 

To determine the exact amount of child support in a specific case, you would need to input all relevant information into the New York child support calculation formula, or consult with a legal professional who can provide more tailored advice based on your individual situation. 

A Manhattan child support lawyer can be your essential resource when navigating child support concerns in New York. At The Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our lawyers can guide you through the complexities of child support calculations, ensuring that you understand your rights and obligations. We can work diligently to assess your unique financial circumstances, applying the latest state guidelines to calculate a fair and equitable child support arrangement. Contact us today and let’s secure a brighter future for your child.

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Modification of Child Support Order

Each party can file a petition for modification of the order of child support if there are changes in either of their circumstances. A modification petition must be filed by the party seeking to change the order. It should include a statement about the proposed change. A summons and the petition must be delivered to both parties. The court will then hold a hearing to make a judgment on whether the child support order needs to be changed. 

All orders paid to the Support Collections Unit are subject to an automatic review every three years. This review is done to see if there is any need for an adjustment in the child support order. The review will be done following the request of either party or in cases when the parent with custody of the child receives public aid. Each party is notified that they have the right to ask the Support Collections Unit for a review of an order and are also notified about any possible changes in the order. They may ask for a hearing before the Support Magistrate if they are not satisfied with the new order. Then, a new support order may be established.

While it is possible to use a DIY form to make a petition for changing a child support order, speaking to an experienced child support lawyer can be very helpful. A skilled lawyer may be able to help you avoid making mistakes on the petition and can help ensure that you understand your rights and responsibilities in the child support order. 

Call the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum today to speak with a skilled child support lawyer.

Can Parents Agree to No Child Support

Children have the right to benefit from the income and standard of living of both parents, even if they no longer live together. Parents may create child support agreements outside of the Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) by reaching a stipulation outside of court. However, custodial parents are unable to waive child support completely, but they may agree on the amount of support as long as it meets the children’s needs and adheres to the CSSA guidelines.

For an opt-out agreement to be valid, both parents must willingly and knowingly agree to the arrangement. The agreement must acknowledge the CSSA guidelines and include a copy of the CSSA guidelines chart for pro se parties. It must also state that a support order based on the guidelines would typically be correct. Furthermore, if the agreement deviates from the CSSA guidelines, it must include the amount that would have been awarded under the CSSA and the reasons for not providing for payment of that amount.

If an opt-out agreement is not valid, child support will be established based on the CSSA. Therefore, it is vital for parents to work closely with their attorney to fully understand child support law and their child support arrangements.

While parents cannot completely waive child support, they can agree on a different amount or arrangement outside the CSSA guidelines if specific requirements are met and the children’s needs are met. It is crucial to seek the guidance of a skilled New York child support lawyer to ensure that the agreement is valid and in the best interest of the children involved.

Topic	Details
Obligation of Parents	Parents must provide for basic needs of children including food, clothing, shelter, medical, education and insurance.
CSSA Formula	New York’s CSSA calculates each parent’s financial obligation to support the children based on combined income above the poverty line and up to $143,000.
Basic Child Support Amount	A fixed percentage of combined parental income is used to determine child support, based on the number of children requiring support.
Percentage of Combined Income	17% for one child, 25% for two, 29% for three, 31% for four, and at least 35% for five or more children.
Higher-Income Parents	Court may use CSSA percentages or consider parent’s financial means and child’s needs for fair support order.
Modification of Child Support Order	Parties can file a petition for modification of child support order. Orders subject to automatic review every three years.
Income Imputation	Court can impute income to underemployed or unemployed parents to avoid paying child support.
Enforcement of Child Support	Child Support Enforcement Unit can garnish wages, claim a portion of unemployment benefits, tax refund or bank accounts. Non-payment could lead to loss of driver’s license or jail.

Your Ex Is Under-Reporting Income

If you’re convinced that your ex makes a lot more money than he or she is reporting, the court can investigate further. A judge has the authority to impute income to parents who are unemployed or appear to be reporting less money than they are actually making. Income imputation is commonly used when a parent appears to be remaining underemployed or even unemployed to avoid paying child support.

Your Ex Won’t Pay

Just because a parent refuses to pay child support doesn’t mean it can’t be collected. The Child Support Enforcement Unit can garnish wages, claim a portion of unemployment benefits or a tax refund, and in extreme cases, seize the contents of a non-payor’s bank accounts. The parent could even lose their driver’s license and go to jail for refusing to obey a court order.

Child support can be a complicated matter. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, we can assist you in determining what you owe or can expect to receive, but if there are special circumstances or your ex is being deceptive about income, you want a diligent and determined attorney in your corner. We will help you get the support your children need or ensure that the amount you are being asked to pay is fair. For more information or to schedule a free and confidential consultation, contact us us today.

from Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, Esq. https://www.romanshum.com/blog/new-york-child-support-what-every-divorcing-parent-needs-to-know/

Understanding the Evidence Required to Obtain an Order of Protection in New York

Obtaining an order of protection can be a crucial step in ensuring your safety and well-being. An order of protection is a legal order issued by a court that prohibits an individual from engaging in harmful behavior towards another person, and it can provide vital protections for victims of domestic violence, harassment, stalking, or other forms of abuse.

First, it is important to understand the legal basis for obtaining an order of protection in New York. The Family Court Act provides for two types of orders of protection: an order of protection in the family court and a criminal court order of protection. Family court orders of protection are typically obtained in cases where there is no pending criminal case, or where the alleged conduct does not constitute a criminal offense.

In New York Family Court, the victim of abuse must file a Family Offense Petition, which alleges at least one of the available Family Offenses elaborated in the Family Court Act. If you are experiencing domestic violence or abuse in New York and need assistance obtaining an order of protection, please do not hesitate to reach out to our team of Manhattan family law attorneys at the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum. We are committed to advocating for victims of domestic violence and helping them obtain the legal protections they need to stay safe. Call us today at (646) 259-3416 to schedule a consultation.

What is a Family Offense?

Family offenses are defined in the Family Court Act as offenses committed between certain family or household members, including spouses, former spouses, persons related by blood or marriage, persons who have a child in common, and persons who are or have been in an intimate relationship. Family offenses include, but are not limited to:

• Disorderly conduct: This includes any behavior that is likely to cause a public disturbance or that is intended to provoke a fight or argument. Disorderly conduct can include physical violence, threatening behavior, or verbal abuse.
• Harassment: This offense involves any behavior that is intended to annoy, alarm, or harass another person. Harassment can include repeated phone calls, emails, or text messages, as well as following or stalking a person.
• Menacing: This offense involves threatening to cause physical harm to another person. Menacing can include brandishing a weapon or making verbal threats of violence.
• Assault: This offense involves causing physical harm to another person. Assault can include hitting, slapping, punching, or any other physical act that causes injury.
• Sexual assault: This offense involves any sexual act that is performed without the victim’s consent. Sexual assault can include rape, sexual abuse, or any other unwanted sexual act.

Types of Orders of Protection

When we have filed your Family Offense Petition describing how you have suffered one or more of the above Family Offenses, the Court may decide to hear from us Ex Parte, which means before having notified and without the participation of the alleged abuser. In cases of serious abuse, where the victim reasonably believes they are in danger of imminent harm, the Court may issue a Temporary Order of Protection to protect you. In those cases, the Court orders the Temporary Order of Protection and your Family Offense Petition be served upon the alleged abuser and sets a date for both parties to come to Court, in-person or virtually. Those papers may be served by a uniformed New York City Sheriff. 

How To Get An Order Of Protection In NY?

A protection order is an official legal document issued by either a criminal court or a family court within the state of New York. Its purpose is to instruct an individual to cease engaging in harmful behavior towards you or to maintain a certain distance from you, and an attorney can assist you in pursuing this legal measure.

In the Family Court, you, as the party seeking protection, are referred to as the “petitioner,” while the person causing problems is identified as the “respondent.”

To initiate this legal process, it is recommended to consult with an attorney who focuses on family law. An attorney can help you navigate the complexities of obtaining a protection order. They can accompany you to the Family Court and work with the Family Court Clerk to obtain a Family Offense Petition. They can assist you in completing the petition comprehensively, ensuring that all relevant details are included, and can help you submit it on the same day.

Once your attorney has submitted the family offense petition, they will work with you to prepare for a meeting with the judge. In urgent situations, your attorney can request a prioritized meeting with the judge to seek a temporary protective order until a formal court date is scheduled. If you have concerns about the safety of your children, your attorney will help you present these concerns to the judge during the meeting.

During the meeting with the judge, your attorney will represent your interests. They will respond to the judge’s questions on your behalf and provide a clear explanation of why you or your children require a temporary order of protection. If there is a valid reason, the judge, based on your attorney’s arguments, will grant a temporary order of protection. Make sure to discuss with your attorney the coverage of the protection order to fully understand its implications. Subsequently, your attorney will work with you to prepare for a court date to determine whether the protection order should remain in effect. Both you and your attorney will attend this hearing, where your attorney will advocate for your continued safety and well-being.

If you’re seeking an order of protection in New York, navigating the legal complexities can be overwhelming. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our skilled Manhattan family law attorneys can guide you through the process, ensuring your rights and safety are protected. We understand the urgency of your situation and can provide you with the guidance needed to secure the necessary legal measures swiftly. Contact us today to take the first step toward securing the protection you deserve.

Evidence Required to Obtain an Order of Protection

In the court appearances that follow, we will have to use evidence to convince the judge to grant a Permanent Order of Protection. Case law and the Family Court Act provide guidance on the evidence required to obtain an Order of Protection in New York. 

“To prevail on her family offense petition, petitioner bore the burden of establishing, by a fair preponderance of the evidence, that respondent committed one of the enumerated family offenses set forth in Family Ct Act § 821 (1) (a)” (Matter of Allen v Emery, 187 AD3d 1339, 1340 [2020] [citation omitted  ]; see Family Ct Act § 832; Matter of Marianna K. v David K., 145 AD3d at 1362; Matter of Elizabeth X. v Irving Y., 132 AD3d 1100, 1101 [2015]). “The question of whether a family offense has been committed presents a factual issue to be resolved by Family Court, and Family Court’s determinations regarding the credibility of witnesses are accorded great weight” (Matter of Allen v Emery, 187 AD3d at 1339 [citation omitted]; see Matter of Jasmin NN. v Jasmin C., 167 AD3d 1274, 1276 [2018]; Matter of Shana SS. v Jeremy TT., 111 AD3d 1090, 1091 [2013], lv denied 22 NY3d 862 [2014]).

The evidence required may include, but are not limited to:

• Affidavits or sworn statements: The petitioner may submit affidavits or sworn statements describing the incidents of abuse or violence, including dates, times, and specific details of the incidents. Affidavits from witnesses who have firsthand knowledge of the abuse may also be submitted.
• Police reports: If the abuse or violence has been reported to law enforcement, police reports can serve as evidence of the incidents.
• Medical records: Medical records documenting injuries or medical treatment related to the abuse or violence can be presented as evidence.
• Photographs or videos: Photographs or videos of injuries, damage to property, or other evidence of abuse or violence can be powerful evidence in obtaining an order of protection.
• Other documentation: Any other relevant documentation, such as emails, text messages, social media posts, or recordings that support the allegations of abuse or violence, may also be presented as evidence.

Evidence	Description
Affidavits or sworn statements	Written statements from the petitioner or witnesses describing incidents of abuse or violence, including dates, times, and specific details.
Police reports	Reports filed with law enforcement documenting incidents of abuse or violence.
Medical records	Records documenting injuries or medical treatment related to the abuse or violence.
Photographs or videos	Visual evidence, such as photos or videos, of injuries, property damage, or other evidence of abuse or violence.
Other documentation	Any other relevant documentation, such as emails, text messages, social media posts, or recordings that support the allegations of abuse or violence.

It’s important to note that hearsay evidence, which is generally an out-of-court statement offered to prove the truth of the matter asserted, may be admissible in family court proceedings for orders of protection. However, the admissibility of hearsay evidence in family court is subject to certain limitations and requirements, as established by case law.

In conclusion, obtaining an order of protection in New York requires providing evidence of abuse or other family offenses. The Family Court Act provides for several types of family offenses that can be the basis for an order of protection. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or harassment, it is important to seek legal advice from an experienced family law attorney. At The Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our team of New York family lawyers may be able to help you navigate the legal system and obtain the protection you need to stay safe. Contact us today at (646) 259-3416 to schedule a consultation.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, harassment, or other forms of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for help and support.

from Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, Esq. https://www.romanshum.com/blog/understanding-the-evidence-required-to-obtain-an-order-of-protection-in-new-york/

Is New York a Community Property State for Divorce?

When couples decide to divorce, one of the most important considerations is the division of assets and debts. In some states, such as California, the law requires that marital property be divided equally between spouses. However, New York operates under a different set of laws when it comes to property division in a divorce.

In New York, marital property is divided based on the principle of equitable distribution. This means that property acquired during the marriage will be divided in a way that is fair and equitable, but not necessarily equal. The court will consider a variety of factors when making its decision, including the length of the marriage, the income and earning potential of each spouse, and the contributions made by each spouse to the marriage.

Navigating the complexities of property division in a divorce can be challenging. Ensure your rights are protected and you receive a fair distribution of assets with the help of an experienced New York divorce lawyer. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our team of skilled Manhattan divorce lawyers can guide you through the divorce process in New York and advocate for your best interests. Call us today at (646) 259-3416 to schedule a consultation.

Equitable Distribution States

Equitable distribution is a legal concept that outlines the procedure for dividing marital assets and debts when a couple undergoes divorce. Despite its name, equitable distribution does not necessarily require an equal split of all marital property. Instead, the court takes into account a range of factors pertaining to the marriage and the contributions of each spouse. The court possesses significant discretion in determining how assets are allocated, with the primary objective of allocating the assets fairly rather than uniformly.

Before the transition to equitable distribution in New York, the state operated under a common law property system. Under this system, the allocation of property in divorce cases was based solely on the name listed as the titleholder. If a property had one spouse’s name on the title, they were the sole rightful owner of that asset. However, New York now functions as an equitable distribution state, whereby the division of property in divorce proceedings is conducted with the aim of achieving fairness and justice for both parties involved.

In the United States, the majority of states follow the equitable distribution when it comes to property division in divorce cases, although exceptions exist in the form of community property states. The states that follow community property include Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin, along with Puerto Rico, which also follows community property principles. In Alaska, there is a unique provision where couples have the option to choose whether their property will be considered as community property. This means that couples in Alaska can decide whether to follow the community property system or opt for another arrangement when it comes to the division of their assets in the event of a divorce. 

Seeking a fair and equitable resolution in a divorce case can be complex, especially in equitable distribution states like New York. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our experienced New York divorce attorneys can help you navigate the process and ensure that your assets are distributed fairly. We have a deep understanding of New York’s equitable distribution laws and are committed to protecting your rights and achieving a favorable resolution. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward a brighter future.

Domestic Relations Law and Equitable Distribution

The New York Domestic Relations Law sets out the rules for the division of marital property in divorce cases. Section 236(B)(5)(d) of the Domestic Relations Law provides that marital property is to be divided based on the principle of equitable distribution. The law defines marital property as any property acquired by either spouse during the marriage, regardless of how the property is titled or held.

The Domestic Relations Law also allows for separate property to be protected from division in a divorce. Separate property is property that is acquired by one spouse before the marriage, or property that is acquired by gift, inheritance, or personal injury award during the marriage. However, if separate property is commingled with marital property, it may lose its status as separate property and become subject to division in a divorce.

The Domestic Relations Law sets forth the factors that courts consider when dividing marital property in a divorce. These factors include:

• The income and property of each spouse at the time of marriage and at the time of the divorce
• The length of the marriage and the age and health of the spouses
• The need of the custodial parent to occupy or own the marital residence and to use or own its household effects
• The loss of inheritance and pension rights upon dissolution of the marriage as of the date of dissolution
• Any equitable claim to, interest in, or direct or indirect contribution made to the acquisition of such marital property by the party not having a title, including joint efforts or expenditures and contributions and services as a spouse, parent, wage earner, and homemaker, and to the career or career potential of the other party.

	Details
Marital Property	Property acquired during marriage by either spouse
Separate Property	Property acquired before marriage or by gift, inheritance, or personal injury award
Commingling of Separate and Marital Property	Separate property mixed with marital property may become subject to division
Factors Considered	Income and property at the time of marriage and divorce, length of marriage, age and health, need of custodial parent for residence and household effects, loss of inheritance and pension rights, contributions to acquisition of marital property

Case Law and Equitable Distribution

The New York courts have issued numerous decisions that provide guidance on how to apply the principle of equitable distribution in divorce cases. In the case of Grunfeld v. Grunfeld, the court emphasized that equitable distribution does not mean equal distribution and that the goal is to arrive at a result that is fair and reasonable under the circumstances of the case. Grunfeld v Grunfeld, 255 AD2d 12, 21 [1st Dept 1999]

In another case, Majauskas v. Majauskas, the court established the principle that pension benefits earned during the marriage are marital property subject to division in a divorce. This decision has had significant implications for the division of retirement benefits in divorce cases. Majauskas v Majauskas, 61 NY2d 481, 486 [1984]

While New York is not a community property state, the division of marital property in divorce cases is still an important and complex issue. If you are facing a divorce and are concerned about the division of your assets, it is important to work with an experienced family law attorney who can help you understand your legal rights and options.

By understanding the principles of equitable distribution and the rules governing the division of marital property in New York, you can be better prepared to navigate the divorce process and protect your financial interests. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, we offer experienced, quality legal assistance and services aimed at helping New Yorkers navigate the complexities of divorce and family law. Contact us today at (646) 259-3416 to schedule a consultation.

from Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, Esq. https://www.romanshum.com/blog/is-new-york-a-community-property-state-for-divorce/

How To Recognize if Your Spouse Is Manipulating or Gaslighting You

People get into relationships expecting mutual trust and respect. No one goes into a relationship expecting it to become toxic. However, not all forms of “toxicity” in a relationship are overt. Some, like gaslighting, are more insidious than others.

Victims of gaslighting may struggle to identify the abuse since the abuser has conditioned them to believe that their reactions are excessive. If you are a victim of gaslighting, it is crucial to consult a Manhattan divorce lawyer before making any decisions. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our lawyers understand the emotional toll that gaslighting can take, and we are here to provide you with the support and legal guidance you need. We can help you regain your confidence and make informed choices about your future. Contact us at (646) 259-3416 to schedule a consultation and seek the legal support you deserve.

Gaslighting is a term popularized in the late 2010s. The word itself came from the title of the 1944 movie, Gaslight, where a man manipulates a woman into doubting her own sanity. In real life, gaslighting is less likely to involve elaborate jewel heists and more likely a means of exerting power. 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse. It involves undermining another person’s reality. Gaslighting is about maintaining power and control over your partner. Most gaslighters, the term for abusers who use gaslighting, use it as a tool to avoid accountability for their actions, often turning the tables on their partners for perceived issues in the relationship.

A research paper titled “Gaslighting: A marital syndrome” was published in 1988 detailing how gaslighting affects women whose husbands have been or were involved in extramarital affairs during the course of the study. The research showed how vulnerable women are to becoming victims of gaslighting due to the perpetuation of existing gender stereotypes when the women involved raised valid concerns about their spouse’s cheating. 

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However, this does not mean that men cannot become victims. According to a study by YouGovAmerica, 32% of men have experienced manipulation from their partners at least once in their lives. Male victims of psychological and emotional abuse are also less likely to be believed due to gender stereotypes. Due to those gender stereotypes, men may also be less likely to recognize when they are being gaslighted.

To be able to recognize gaslighting, it is important to understand what gaslighting is not. Gaslighting is different from having a genuine disagreement with your partner. Gaslighting occurs over a long period of time, with repeating instances, and is unique in that:

• Partner A is consistently listening and adjusting their behavior according to Partner B’s perspective. 
• Partner B is consistently negating Partner A’s perspective and undermining their confidence regarding their perception. Partner B also always insists that they are in the right and that Partner A is being irrational and exhibiting toxic behavior.
  

Gaslighting is a method to stop the immediate conflict but only at the expense of making the victim insecure and tearing down their self-confidence. In extreme cases, and especially with multiple abusers, victims can develop anxiety disorders and paranoia due to the constant attack on their sense of reality. If you are a victim of gaslighting, it may be difficult to recognize the fact that you are being abused due to your abuser conditioning you to think that you are overreacting.  Before you make any decisions, it is important to speak with a Manhattan divorce lawyer.  

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What Are the Signs That My Spouse or Partner Is Gaslighting Me?

It may be difficult to recognize outright gaslighting behavior especially if you have already been accustomed to experiencing it that it has become normal to you. However, here are some telltale indicators that you may be able to spot that point to gaslighting behavior.

They lie and deny something happened even in the face of evidence

Often this comes as being dismissive of their partner/victim’s feelings, saying that they are exaggerating or overreacting when a concern is brought up. They may also say that the partner/victim is being emotional in an attempt to minimize the impact of the actual concern. 

This is common in adultery settings but also in general situations when they don’t want you to find evidence of a misdeed. (“I never did that, you must be going crazy.” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”)

They deflect and project guilt

One common way to catch a gaslighter in action is how they respond to guilt. When gaslighters are guilty of something or are called out for problematic behavior, they tend to deflect and switch up the conversation to something their partner/victim supposedly did. 

Your spouse may accuse you of making things up and lying even though you are telling the truth. This attempt to transfer blame and accountability is very characteristic of gaslighting. (“You stayed late at work again today. You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?”)

They engage in manipulative behavior

Gaslighting is an abuser’s way to exercise control over their victim. Often, this can involve the use of manipulative language. Your spouse may say things like “if you really cared about me” or “if you really loved me” in an attempt to get you to do something, even if you would have done it anyway. This is a form of emotional coercion.

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They make you question your own mental health

Being consistently questioned and doubted about things that you experience can have a great impact on your perception of things. You yourself can begin to second-guess and doubt your version of what happened. If a person like your spouse who supposedly cares about your well-being is concerned about your mental health, that must mean there is a problem, right? Unfortunately, gaslighters fake this concern specifically to cause you to question yourself.  

Your spouse might hide things from you and tell you that you are becoming forgetful or paranoid. This might make you unable to trust yourself which is how abusers keep control of their victims. 

They try and turn people against you

To maintain control over their victim, a gaslighter may try to isolate their victim to prevent them from realizing the extent of the abuse they are experiencing. This also helps the abuser hide their identity as being an abuser. It’s important to remember that most abusers do not seem abusive outwardly.

Your spouse may try using other people against you or lying about how other people perceive you to show that they (your spouse) are the only one who truly cares about you. They might also damage your credibility with your family and friends. This is a part of undermining your self-esteem in other relationships, making you more reluctant to tell others about the abuse. (“Your brother is spreading rumors about you.” or “I saw one of your friends saying bad things about you behind your back.”)

They don’t apologize or show you empathy 

In a healthy relationship, when one party expresses hurt, the correct response would be to empathize and acknowledge their emotions. A gaslighter would diminish and invalidate their partner/victim’s feelings and make it seem like it’s an irrational reaction. A victim of gaslighting may feel like their side is never heard and that they have to justify their emotions for their partner. 

This is a part of undermining your reality, by saying that you shouldn’t think or shouldn’t feel the way that you are thinking and feeling, they are making you feel like your emotions should be subject to their validation. (“You shouldn’t be jealous and overreact when we were just talking. Nothing even happened between us.”)

They make you doubt your contributions to the relationship

Through their gaslighting, your spouse can make you think that the dysfunctional aspects of your relationship are because of your actions and not because of your spouse’s gaslighting. You may feel the need to overcompensate because of your perceived fault. 

This highlights how gaslighting is about maintaining uneven power dynamics in your relationship whereas a healthy relationship would have a two-way dynamic. Your spouse may use your perceived guilt to force you to make decisions you are not comfortable making. 

Signs of Gaslighting Behavior	Description
Denial of evidence	Lying and dismissing partner/victim’s feelings when confronted with evidence or minimizing their concerns.
Deflection and guilt projection	Accusing partner/victim of making things up and lying to transfer blame and accountability.
Manipulative behavior	Using manipulative language to exercise control over the victim, such as saying “if you really loved me” to get the victim to comply.
Questioning mental health	Consistently questioning and doubting the victim’s version of events to make them doubt their own mental health and perception.
Turning people against victim	Isolating the victim and damaging their credibility with others to maintain control over them.
Lack of empathy and apologies	Invalidating and diminishing partner/victim’s feelings and not acknowledging their emotions in a healthy way.
Making victim doubt their contributions	Making victim think that the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship are their fault and using guilt to make them make uncomfortable decisions.

“Attorney Richard Shum assisted my family and I with a very difficult landlord. At a time of a lot of concern and uncertainty, Mr. Shum was there for us every inch of the way, his confidence and vast knowledge of the law, together with his passion for it and for helping people, provided us the serenity to go on about our life, while he took care of they daunting matter. At the end we reached an agreement only Atterney Shum could achieve. Since I recommended his service to any friends that is in need of help with legal matters, from Landlord/Tenant to family court, and in every case I receive a thank you call from said friends, following the successful outcome he provided. So, as I say to my friends, if you need an Attorney that will fight for you, and not stress you out, call this guy. you will thank me.”

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What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a tactic used to control and manipulate someone by invalidating their reality. It involves repeated instances of Partner B consistently negating and undermining Partner A’s perspective, leading to a loss of confidence and increased insecurity over time.

The signs of gaslighting include lying and denying events despite evidence, shifting blame onto the victim, manipulating them, questioning their mental health, attempting to isolate them, refusing to apologize, and making them doubt their contributions to the relationship. Victims of gaslighting may not recognize the abuse or feel too afraid to speak out, believing they are overreacting.

If you are a victim of gaslighting, seek help from trusted individuals, gather evidence, understand that you are not responsible for your partner’s behavior, avoid engaging in debates, acknowledge that the abuse is not your fault, and know when to leave the relationship. 

Separating yourself from your partner can help you rebuild your self-esteem and reduce self-doubt. Seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor can also be beneficial. Remember that leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, but a skilled divorce lawyer can help you navigate the legal and emotional complexities of the situation. Call the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum today at (646) 259-3416 to schedule a consultation.

What is Gaslighting in a Marriage?

Gaslighting stands as a prevalent form of abuse within unhealthy relationships. It is a phenomenon that can manifest across various stages of romantic connections, including teenage relationships, adult partnerships, and even marriages.

The gaslighting might not occur during the initial phases of a relationship. The individual employing this manipulation technique might initially establish a foundation of trust. This factor contributes to the prolonged concealment of gaslighting behaviors.

Research indicates that gaslighting occurs when individuals manipulate stereotypes and other forms of inequality to exert control over their targets’ perception of reality. In relationships, the occurrence of gaslighting is common, especially within the context of domestic abuse.

Gaslighting functions as an abusive strategy with the intention of instilling doubt in an individual’s thoughts and emotions. It typically begins subtly, progressively twisting the victim’s understanding of reality. This manipulation can extend to seemingly minor occurrences, effectively masking any recognition of an underlying problem. This concealment is particularly powerful in relationships built on a foundation of trust.

An example involves the gaslighter convincing their partner that personal achievements and external relationships hold no significance. The ultimate objective is to position the abuser as the paramount figure in the victim’s life.

When facing challenges, such as gaslighting in marriage, a seasoned Manhattan divorce lawyer can provide invaluable guidance. At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, our attorneys can help navigate complex relationship issues, offering empathetic support and strategic legal solutions to empower individuals seeking to break free from toxic relationships and pursue a healthier future. Contact us today to schedule a consultation.

I Think I Am a Victim of Gaslighting. What Should I Do?

As a victim of gaslighting, here are some things you can do to help regain your sense of self back.

• Seek the company of people you trust – You may approach a therapist, a family member, or a friend whom you know would be able to empathize with your experience. Being able to affirm your emotions can help a great deal to regain your confidence and trust in yourself
• Gather evidence – Thanks to the advent of social media and technology, it’s easier to “keep receipts”. This involves keeping messages from your spouse, taking screenshots of conversations, and generally making sure that you keep your back covered. This will help you retain your sense of reality and prevent your spouse from causing you to doubt yourself.
• Remember that correcting your spouse’s behavior is not your responsibility – It’s understandable to want to try and make things work even if you have been hurt by your spouse. You can choose to confront them about the gaslighting, however, the problem with confronting a gaslighter is that you’re putting the burden of proof upon yourself when you are the victim in the situation. Even though you may want to help your spouse change for the better, the change should be initiated by them and not you.
• Do not engage in debates – It’s important to preserve your emotional energy and not waste it in unproductive discussions. A gaslighter’s aim is to twist the narrative for their self-benefit. “Winning” the argument is not worth the time and effort you expend in trying to make them see your perspective. Don’t exhaust yourself psychologically.
• Realize that the gaslighting is not your fault – An important factor in recognizing that you are a victim of abuse is recognizing that your abuser is the one who should be accountable for their actions. While you may have been convinced that the dysfunction in your relationship is your fault, the gaslighting was initiated by the other person and they should be the one who must change the behavior
• Recognize when it is time to step away from the relationship – If confronting your partner is not an option and you feel that they won’t change the behavior, it may be time to go your separate ways. Separating yourself from your partner may help you regain your self-esteem and help you reduce your self-doubt. 

Deciding to divorce a spouse can be difficult. If your spouse has been abusive, it may even further complicate the situation. Alongside seeking an experienced New York divorce attorney, it may be helpful to consult a therapist or a counselor as well.

At the Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, we provide compassionate assistance and quality legal counsel to spouses who seek to exit abusive relationships. Richard Roman Shum, an experienced New York divorce and family law attorney, has helped many families navigate the legal and emotional complexities of divorce. Contact us today at (646) 259-3416 or fill out our online form to schedule a free and confidential consultation with one of our skilled New York divorce lawyers.

For cases of domestic abuse, you may also call the NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline at 1-800-942-6906 or The National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

from Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, Esq. https://www.romanshum.com/blog/how-to-recognize-if-your-spouse-is-manipulating-or-gaslighting-you/